1. Gary Roberts can eat just one Lays potato chip.
2. Gary Roberts can crush coal into diamonds.
3. Gary Roberts has played the shark in Jaws.
4. Gary Roberts invented puppies.
5. Gary Roberts is so hardcore, all of his hair is actually made of fire.
6. Contrary to popular science theories, the earth actually revolves around Gary Roberts.
7. The book of Revelations was actually written by Gary Roberts in a moment of prophecy.
8. Gary Roberts has beaten more people in hand to hand combat then you have seen in your entire life.
9. Gary Roberts is accurate to within 2 second in a million years.
10. Gary Roberts invented the internet.
11. Gary Roberts has never cried… even when he got a paper cut.
12. Gary Roberts recently bought Pandora’s box on ebay.
13. Gary Roberts is, therefore I am.
14. Unlike most other humans, Gary Roberts can actually travel through the internet, exit at your PC and kick your ass if he wants.
15. Gary Roberts puts the “I” in “Team.”
16. Gary Roberts let the dogs out. He has not yet released a public apology for his actions.
17. Gary Roberts will kick you and it will hurt..…forever.
18. One does not punch Gary Roberts; Gary Roberts head butts one’s fist.
19. When Gary Roberts bleeds, oak trees sprout up from where the blood fell.
20. Gary Roberts once destroyed the entire world, but rebuilt it faster then the human mind can comprehend, so no one noticed.
21. Gary Roberts wrote every song that 50 Cent ever sang.
22. Gary Roberts can fit 5 billiard balls in his mouth.
23. Some kids piss their name in the snow. Gary Roberts can piss his name into concrete.
24. Gary Roberts once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
25. Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Gary Roberts can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
26. Gary Roberts counted to infinity - twice.
27. Gary Roberts does not sleep. He waits.
28. Gary Roberts can speak Braille.
29. On a high school math test, Gary Roberts put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Gary Roberts solves all his problems with Violence.
30. If you spell Gary Roberts wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Gary Roberts?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
31. Gary Roberts owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
32. Gary Roberts once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
33. Gary Roberts can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
34. Gary Roberts can delete the Recycling Bin.
35. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Gary Roberts.
36. Once a cobra bit Gary Roberts’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
37. Gary Roberts was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
38. Gary Roberts doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
39. Gary Roberts can slam revolving doors.
40. Giraffes were created when Gary Roberts upper cut a horse.
41. Superman owns a pair of Gary Roberts pajamas.
42. Gary Roberts doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
43. Gary Roberts sleeps with a night light. Not because Gary Roberts is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Gary Roberts.
44. Gary Roberts’ dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Gary Roberts will not take shit from anyone.
45. Gary Roberts can kill two stones with one bird.
46. When Gary Roberts gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
47. Gary Roberts was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
48. Death once had a near-Gary-Roberts experience.
49. Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Gary Roberts’ PC will crash.
50. Gary Roberts can have both skates on the ice and kick ass at the same time.